i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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