if you like me you must not know who I am
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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