okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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