I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
There r osticjed everywhere
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize