youre lurking in front of me
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
