well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
