I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
