I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
