How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize