dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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