Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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