I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
MIDGETS
????
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize