Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
