I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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