god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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