I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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