I heard we made out
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
