What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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