You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize