At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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