I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
