I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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