the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
