there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
