I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
