I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
nutella sex= disaster
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
