miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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