I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
