So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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