She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize