Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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