i'm lost and i look like a hooker
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
