Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
