Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's blow job season.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
