Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
