Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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