I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
