she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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