GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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