I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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