I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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