You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
