I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
