Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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