Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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