I think I died a long time ago.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
