i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
