guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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