I can tuck mytits in my pants
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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