why didn't you poke me back
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
