you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize