when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
