Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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