I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
50% drunk capacity currently
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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