Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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