Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
