Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
