Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
