its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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