mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
