my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
