And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
