i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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